Kirk v Random
by SylviaW1991
Summary: Captain Kirk reminisces about a recently discovered planet and it's inhabitants then has a rather... peculiar dream involving them. WARNING: TWILIGHT BASHING AHEAD


This was written for a challenge on LiveJournal

the challenge was to cross Star Trek TOS or 09 characters with another fandom. My choice?

TWILIGHT.

But don't read this if you're actually a Twilight fan. I don't want tweens, the illiterate, or desperate housewives flaming me

I'M ON A HORSE.

* * *

"Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 4964.2. Recently, we encountered a planet upon which the circumstances appear to be… highly odd. A pale girl seems to have an affinity towards a rather pale young man. This girl seems to be the leader of her area, though she seems to underestimate her own importance. She is very tired of her life and enjoys monologing about it. Spock finds her to be quite curious, which I believe is just Vulcan for 'annoying.' She's unlike any humanoid we have ever encountered, but Bones assures us that, physiologically and biologically, she is human. After quite a bit of deduction, we have discovered that her companions – two males who argue incessantly – are not… entirely human."

The captain picked up his recorder and stretched out on his bed.

"One of whom, Edward, appears to be a rather frilly and sparkly version of a vampire. Since an actual vampire would never sparkle in sunlight, I am unsure what to call him. The other one, Jacob, is a werewolf. An incredibly whiny and needy one, at that. Which is a problem I encountered with all of the people we encountered. They whine over how bad their lives are. It was infuriating."

The captain went on like this for a while, thankful that his personal logs could hold the things his captain's log couldn't. He would never have been able to call a potential ally a "sparkly vagina-hater" in his captain's log. Soon, though, he noticed the time and decided that he needed sleep.

What was in his dreams, however, haunted him for weeks afterwards…

"CAPTAIN KIRK OH MY GOD I'M SO PALE NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME EXCEPT FOR EVERY SINGLE GUY I COME ACROSS NOW THAT I'VE MOVED BACK IN WITH MY DAD." With a sweeping motion, the back of her hand pressed dramatically to her brow. When she went into a swoon, Kirk didn't even try to catch her.

But then Edward was there. Great. "Bella, I love you. But I'm pure and, just because I haven't gotten laid in three thousand years–"

"I thought you were just a little over 100 years old!"

"Bella, my darling! Who cares about continuity? LOOK THE SUN!" Both Bella and Edward looked dramatically into the rising sun. Edward sent a piercing gaze in Bella's direction. "Look at me. Now look at the sun. Now back at me – now I have tickets to that things you like!"

"Oh, Edward!"

"Oh, Bella!"

They began to kiss in such a slobbering, disgusting way that Jim Kirk – galaxy-renowned ladies' man – began to feel a bit squeamish. And then Edward spun away, Kirk looking on in interest. "Bella, I have a secret for you."

"What is it, Edward?"

"A secret!" He spun on his heel, gazing at her dramatically. "A terrible secret! About me! About my family! About us! About why we can never be!"

"But Edward, I've only known you for n entire day! But I'm positive we'll spend our whole lives together! Just BELIEVE!"

Kirk leaned against a tree. Apparently, his mind had decided to recreate the scene in which Edward had confessed his… vampirism. Interesting.

"I can't believe, Bella! I'VE LOST MY BELIEF IN BELIEVE!"

"NO EDWARD YOU CAN'T!"

"YES BELLA I CAN! SAY IT!"

"…What?"

"Say it!" He grabbed her by the shoulders, shook her. "Say it, Bella!"

"Um… I love you?"

"YOU CAN'T! FOR I AM…" He spun into the sunlight, spread his arms and turned to dust.

"EDWARD! NO!" And the girl promptly threw herself onto the mound of dust and began kissing it. And licking it. When her pants came off, Kirk had to walk away. In the firest, he bumped headlong into a shirtless young man. "Oh, hell."

"Captain Kirk! Have you seen a gorgeous female around here? She is new here like I am, yet does not seem afraid of my manly, animalistic urges. Therefore, I am attracted even though she is so very pale!"

"I… think she's having sex with vampire dust."

"EDWARD! THAT FIENDISH FIEND!" And, with a howl, a wolf was suddenly running off towards Bella and Edward.

"Uh…huh." When Kirk turned to resume his walk, he saw Spock in the distance. He was shirtless, yet wore white pants. There was a sweater wrapped around his neck and one brow was quirked.

"Captain," he greeted.

"Mr. Spock."

"I find this planet to be highly illogical. I would suggest phasers set to kill."

"Mr. Spock, I'm surprised at you."

"Yes, Captain. It appears that this planet is having negative affects on much of the crew. Look down, look up, I'm on a horse."

And he certainly was. "Where… where did you get a horse?"

"Where did you get yours, Captain?"

Kirk looked down and, sure enough, he was riding a horse. "Um…"

"Shall we ride into the sunset, Captain?"

"Didn't the sun rise two minutes ago?"

"Three point four minutes ago, to be exact. Shall we?"

"Why the hell not?" And Captain Kirk and Spock rode off into the sudden sunset.


End file.
